the remedy

Being alone hasn't always been the best for my mental state. Being left with myself eventually led to panic attacks by night, the unwillingness to get up in the morning, and feeling unworthy for anyone or any thing,  to say the least. I can't blame any one person or situation. It was always a collection of things. A collection of people, feelings, memories, and what-ifs that cluttered my mind. A collection of people, feelings, memories, and what-ifs that numbed me to my toes. I kept telling myself to snap out of it, you're being dramatic, don't feel, you'll be fine in the morning. Sometimes I would- just snap out of it, or I'd wake up feeling fine in the morning- but eventually, it would all come back. So when I thought everything was okay and dealt with, it would come back around even harder and all at once when I was least expecting it.

It has always been this internal struggle and annoyance with myself to portray such a happy-go-lucky lifestyle. I have never really talked about these feelings in particular with anyone actually. I always chose to deal with it on my own. Typing it out is still even difficult, but I'm starting to accept how normal it was/is. Although people say to "just talk about it," at least for me- I have felt better by dealing with it on my own and choosing my own remedy. It has allowed me to listen to myself and really give myself what I need. I'm not going to say or expect these feelings to never back again, but for the most part I feel like I've been doing a lot better. I'm happy to be noticing that I haven't had one of these episodes in a while and I have actually been enjoying my time alone.

 Not only am I writing this as a reminder to myself, but to also to anyone else that is going through something. Just remember that you are loved, you aren't "crazy," you aren't alone, but most importantly- really take the time to listen to yourself and what you truly need. Here are some things that have been helping me:

1. Remember that healing takes time, be patient.
2. Read a good book.
3. Drink coffee but not too late.
4. It's okay to eat junk food sometimes.
5. Let it go.
6. You deserve to love and be loved.
7. Write it down on paper.
8. Discover new music
9. Good vibes only.
10. Don't do things just out of obligation
11. You don't have to be productive all the time.
12. Do what is best for you, it's okay to be selfish sometimes.
13. Love should not be that difficult.
14. Surround yourself with people that you want to be surrounded with.