Forewarning on this long post.
Today I decided to read a piece that I put together for a small open mic event that my friend, Pernell, and I put together. Our Asian Am Professor asked us to put on an event for the author of Rolling The R's, one of the books we read last quarter. So we decided to hold an open mic with the topic of API sexualities and then the author was able to share his own writings with us. The event was a very small turn out, but it really made it feel intimate! Plus almost everyone shared their writing or what was on their mind, so it felt like a really dope space! This was the first time I had ever publicly shared out my writing so it was new to me too. But after today I was reminded of how therapeutic it is to me and it made me realize how much I loved doing it. On that note, I vow to keep writing... and here's the long story that I shared! ps. I start with text messages and the dated passages are from my journals.
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1:11 AM
I just feel like i've put so much emotional energy into this and it fucking sucks. sucks feeling like i was telling myself this whole time that nothing was going to change, but still having hope that something would be different. maybe you’d actually just listen to yourself. because this isn’t just anything. you don’t just come back into someone’s life 6 months later of not speaking to one another because you want to be selfish.
1:24 AM
pls say something
December 21 2011
Whenever I think about her. I get all butterfly-y. I find myself all giddy and making up the perfect scenarios in my head. My feelings are starting to grow heavier. This is dangerous. I'm fragile. I break easily. She makes me happy without even having to do anything at all. It's pretty amazing.
December 23
She is mine. Enough said.
March 3 2012
I finally met both of her parents. Not as her girlfriend of course.
March 25
Even in the darkness, we would always find each other. Like our bodies were connected. Then she kissed my neck, then slowly down. To my neck, to my chest, to my stomach, to my lower body- but not quite there, and she whispers 'Are you okay with this?' Yes. Yes I was. And at that moment, my body was hers, it was no longer mine.
June 2012
I wish it was normal. This would be all different if my parents were born here.
August 2012
Hopefully one day it'll get better with the whole being out situation. I want to be able to be open with my family. Right now, I understand that it's a lot to ask, but hopefully, one day it'll get better. A day of no worries. A day where they can be happy for us, and accept the fact that we do make each other happy. I don't want to be afraid. I want it to be normal.
September 2012
I understand how she doesn't want her parents and family to know about us, but she can't even refer to me as her friend? So I told her, "I like how I don't exist" and all she said was "sorry."
November 5 2012
When I'm with her, I feel so weightless. I'm captivated and I'm my whole self. I don't care about anyone and it's just me and her. I'm positive that this is what love feels like.
November 28
She got in trouble and her brother was telling her she is not a true christian and that she was sinning.
Undated
The one I love puts me in this little grey box. I remain in this little grey box- empty- unknown, shoved aside. I am no one, I am nothing.
Sometimes I begin to think of the reality of it all. Lets hold off on our ideal and let's take into consideration reality. Let's consider the ones we love who may not love the idea of us in return. Will we be able to marry each other? Will my dad be willing to walk me down the isle to another woman? Will my family come sit down before us? Will your family put aside their views?
Jan 4 2013
If you want to be a damn optimist, let's just hope and say that it all gets better. A part of me believes that it can happen. With the change of my mom's behavior, or perhaps her alcoholic ways are causing her to drunken the reality of it all, but I'm counting on the day that she will consider sobering up. I won't give up but I'm growing tired and restless.
One day we will live border-less. We will have control of when or when we cannot be seen. We will become limitless.
Jan 22
I've become trapped in my love of being in love. I've cared so much about her that I have become indulged in her life and problems that I feel as I'm losing touch in my own. It's hard.
April 2013
I will never get used to this feeling. I'm nose to nose with the love of my life. Breathing each other in, sharing each others warmth. Scanning my finger tips along the back of her spine. We are gravitating to each other. Nothing to no one will come between us. Your sweet taste on my lips. Your eyes lock with mine.
August 2013
I lost myself.
Jan 19 2014
I wonder if she still thinks of us.
Jan 27
It's just so fucking weird to be so intimate with someone and then pretend that all that didn't happen. I just want to know how he feels. Did it just mean nothing to him?
May 2014
I knew I was going to see her. She kissed me. I wanted her to. It felt right. If we were to give this another try, I want to start all over and relearn everything again.
April 19 2015
I haven't written in here because I didn't want everything to be real and I'm emotionally drained. She claimed that her change in beliefs changed the way she felt about me. That she couldn't be with me anymore.
Here I am pretending that everything is okay. Even though I'm not. I fucking hate when someone asks me how I am. I hate it.
April 25
We started talking again. I'm walking on egg shells hoping that one morning she won't wake up and decide to leave.
June 2015
Every corner that I think about, the more pointless I see myself. I feel like a waste of air. I should be happy. I'm in New York City, marriage equality passed in 50 states, but religion still won't allow you to love me. I'm trying.
Aug 18 2015
All my emotional and mental energy was focused on trying to get her back. But along the way, I forgot about myself. I just want to be truly happy.
Aug 22
I'm not sure if I am getting better or if I'm just numbing myself to how I really feel.
Aug 27
Love should never be that hard.
Oct 2015
Dear ex lover, I hope this is the last love letter that I will ever write you. I loved you with every atom of my body and every megapixel in my mind. I probably will never love anyone like I loved you and I blame you for that. For loving me with so much of you. With every kiss that traced along my back. I can still feel the chill running down my spine and I know it so well that I can recite it with my eyes closed. and I can taste the blood in the inside of my mouth while I clench my jaw at the thought of your smell. and you'll look at me and your pupils will pierce through mine and I'll know exactly what you're thinking.
Dear ex lover, You've hurt me but not as much as I've hurt myself. I blame myself for thinking you'd change. That you'd realize how much you loved me. But it would never be enough.
Dear ex lover, it would never be enough.
Dear ex lover, I'm still here. Still writing you letters that you'll never read.
Dear ex lover, I don't know who you are anymore, but I hope you're still the same.
Dear ex lover, Thank you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for helping me fall back in love with myself as much as you loved me.
