August 1 2004
"I want to lose weight. Okay I'll try harder now. I want to lose at least 50 pounds. I want to be 80 pounds. Please."
Here is the truth about the relationship between me and my body.
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When I was younger, I was a chubby kid. By the time I got to the 5th grade, I weighed 124 pounds (and I remember the exact number because we had to do a health test and I was so ashamed of how big my number was compared to the other kids). At that age, kids were mean and called me names like piggy and whale. I tried my best to let it pass, but I couldn't help feeling different from the other kids. I constantly compared myself to the "popular girls" that stole all the little boys' attention and was convinced that if I were skinny I'd be noticed.
But the bullying didn't stop at school. In a Filipino household, you're constantly being reminded to eat all these fatty foods, but at the same time they continue to fat shame us!! " Did you see ____? He/She got so fat!" And the best compliment you could ever get from family is "Oh, you lost weight, are you eating?" At home, I remember how quickly my family was to hide food from me, but never was I reminded that I was still beautiful.
As high school came along, thanks to joining sports and puberty, my baby weight shed off and my confidence improved by x10 - right up until late senior year of high school/ early freshman year of college.
Perhaps it started when I had to constantly pay attention to my weight in wrestling. Or from idolizing thin bodies on social media. Or when I started feeling anxious about myself and my personal relationships. Or perhaps it was a combination of it all.
I started with begging my mom to buy me weight loss and detox pills. Then it came to a point where I would come home feeling guilty, so I would lock myself in the restroom and make myself throw up. When that wasn't satisfying enough, I started- excessively working out, obsessing over counting my calories, and eating close to nothing.
-Yeah, this is a little intense. So.... why am I sharing this?
Over the years, my body image/weight has always been at the top of my insecurities. There are periods where I grow tired of caring but eventually these feelings would come back in waves, sometimes big and sometimes small. In the past, I didn't recognize it as a big deal and I would even slide it in as a horrible joke. But when I did eventually try to open up to people and seek understanding, the typical response would be: "you're not even fat" Thanks, but honestly- I hated that. If anything, I was never searching for reassurance- instead, the most I wanted was someone to listen.
No one wants to feel pitied. It's hard enough dealing with it on your own, but feeling like a burden is not a great feeling either. From the other end, I can see how it can be difficult to understand especially if you have never gone through what that individual has. And even if you think you have- people tend to forget that there is a spectrum of insecurities, disorders and illnesses. Someone may not "look" like they have an eating disorder or "have all the symptoms" but that doesn't make it any less important.
So I guess where I'm going with this is... no matter how you're feeling or what you're going through, although it may feel discomforting that no one truly understands your mental state except you-- that's okay. Just know that all your feelings are valid but you are not alone. We live in this society where all this is swept under the rug and masked with a smile. But I hope with me sharing this, it'll give courage to others to speak up and shed light on their experiences and insecurities- because yes it is healthy to talk about them and to seek help, if needed.
And on the other end, the best way to be there for that person is to give them patience, support, and love. Patience: you're going to want them to be okay right away- but that's nearly impossible, so be there for them and listen. Support: don't diagnose them, don't assume what they need- but ask how you can support them. Then that's where love comes in... Love: even if they don't ask for it, love them and let them know that they are loved.
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As for me now- I'll admit that a small wave is coming back. But this time around, I am taking responsibility for my actions and I will do my best to take care of myself.
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- if you need someone to talk to, i have open ears
- patience, support, and love
- pay attention to and acknowledge your feelings
- your well-being is so important
