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I've been single now for almost a year -not that anyone is counting or complaining... No really, I'm not complaining! It's been an interesting year of getting over my last relationship, going back to the same relationship, having my heart broken again and again, trying to see new people, running into fuckboys, and ultimately having to rebuild myself back up every single time. It's been exhausting, lonely, necessary, and at the same time- self-empowering.
It was odd at first. My dependence for love and comfort in my last relationship was unhealthy. When it was gone, a whole chunk of me was lost. I felt abandoned, unworthy, left in the dark, and confused. I'm sure I wrote at least 100 "last" love letters in my head, stalked their social media at least once a week, and broke down at least twice a month. But sure enough, I gave myself time to heal... And I'm still healing.
When I say "I'm still healing," I don't mean that I still want to be with that person or regret anything that has happened. When I say "I'm still healing," I mean that the wound that was once open flesh, has now turned into a scab. A scab that I have a bad habit of picking before it is ready to be picked off, but what I have learned is that you have to be patient and wait for the scab to fall off on its own.
(yup, I just used a scab as a metaphor)
I'm not sad. Sometimes I may feel lonely, but I'm not sad. Sure, having someone to love and love you back is beautiful. But I can confidently say that feeling comfortable on your own and dependent to yourself is an amazing feeling as well- and this is where I feel like I'm at. It feels good to put myself first, listening to my own needs and wants, and taking care of myself. It's important to know that you have the capability of loving yourself more than anyone else can ever love you.
So if I'm at this point, perhaps I'm ready to love and be loved again, right? YEP- there I am again trying to peel off the scab that isn't ready yet! But don't get me wrong, I've tried the whole "putting myself out there" aka going on tinder (lol), meeting new people, and going on dates-- and even if they're cool people or I see potential, I find myself in the same square- I'm just not ready.
Love in my mind is no silly fairytale. Love in my mind is vulnerable, bare, and delicate. When I love, I love deeply and unapologetically. And I can explain more at a later time, but the point is- I am not ready to give this to just anyone. Yes, I have built up this wall of defense, but one day I'm hopeful that I'll let someone in. Right now though, I rather give all this precious type of love to myself. But when that time comes, I feel like I'll know when I'm ready-- I won't feel like I'm forcing the scab to fall off. I'll just know. And even when the scab falls off, I'll have the scar to remind me to love myself first.
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- don't peel off your scabs before they're ready
- put a bandaid on it
- download tinder
- block your ex on social media
- write your love letters on paper
- delete tinder
- love yourself
