I remember standing anxiously in line while our teacher counted us off ... when suddenly little Anthony yells out "I hope I get partnered with Candra, she's slow!" Candra was the quiet girl in class so he expected no response from her. I look over, and although she heard him, she just blankly minded her own business. As Anthony proceeded to pick on her, I screamed: "STOP PICKING ON HER JUST BECAUSE SHE DOESN'T RUN AS FAST AS YOU!--- then nothing further happened because the teacher got mad at me for talking in line. *eye rolls*-- BUT THEN ANTHONY SHUT THE HELL UP AND STOPPED PICKING ON CANDRA AND THAT WAS ALL THAT MATTERED
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As for today, I may not always be the first to speak up because I don't want to say the wrong thing or ask a stupid question. I may stutter over my words because sometimes it's hard for me to articulate what I'm feeling. I may fill my gaps in with funny faces or fake laughs just to get a response. But I won't be silenced when it comes to people offending my identity and my community.
Honestly, yesterday was challenging for me. This was not the first time that someone used phrases with the words "gay" or "faggot" and I got upset. And honestly, I don't try to go around attacking everyone who uses those words because I totally understand that it's our fucking society and history's fault that fucked us up with all this oppression and hate that still exists today!!!!!!!
So that is why I will choose my battles wisely.
I don't go out there preaching for the hell of it. If anything, I'm not even preaching. I just want you to hear me out because 1. It offends me and my community that I take part in 2. It's important to be critical about the things you are saying 3. If we don't even start having these conversations, how can we ever progress?
It's difficult. I know. I can't say that I never used the phrase "That's gay," because hell- I'm pretty sure we've all said it at least once in our life. Sure it becomes normalized with your group of friends or you claim to be "just messing around"- but that does not make it okay and I'm sure we've all heard this spiel a thousand times. But it all goes back to being critical and asking yourself why we say these things.
At the end of the day, it fucking hurts and I take it personally. I take this personally because this is who I am. This is my identity. My intersectionality of being queer, pilipina-american, and how I grew up effects the way I live and breathe today. This history of oppression attached to all this is why I once internalized self-hate and didn't feel comfortable in my skin. This is why "coming out" is not as easy as it looks. This is why some people don't want to live.
Sigh.
So when I'm standing up for something, I'm not only saying it for me and my identity, but also for everyone else that stands besides me.
to be continued ...
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- speak up
- stand up for yourself
- stand up for your community
- learn your history
- learn others' history
- be open-minded
- take a speech class
